(no subject)

[ladysophiekitty]

So yesterday sweetjamielee gave me this link to a community called badfic_quotes (total love, by the way) and I sort of browsed other fandoms for a while, gathering up my courage, before clicking on Harry Potter. First off, where as the other fandoms had been like a page, for Harry Potter I ended up having to skip 260. YES, 260! But it didn't fail. So I thought I'd share some of the LOLage here. Maybe later I'll share some other fandoms.


the first fic has Harry getting turned into a female centuar, getting raped and falling in love with his male centuar raper, getting impregnated, hen he eats a mint, which is apparently poisenous to centuars, which causes him to lose his memory, so he thinks he was always a female centuar named Beau.
*

Zara-Jezebel was a Japanese Warrior-Ninja-Princess. At the age of 2 when her mother was killed she was taken in by the great Jackie Chan who was also a wizard and taught her the art of magic and telepathy and telekinesis.
Jackie Chan? There are no words. And here's her description for how Jackie died:
"But when he was killed the Russian Mafia for making them look bad in one of his movies she to be sent to Hogwarts or else her evil father would kill her because she swore to get revenge on him one day for banishing her aunt after her aunt swore to kill him for trying to kill Zara-Jezebel."
*
First paragraph of a story: The Summer after the fifth book, Harry goes to the Weasley’s house. Ron gets in trouble, so Harry is hanging out with Ginny. They are playing Quiditch, and then they put the stuff away. Harry kisses Ginny, and the rest is history. Ginny and Harry get together, and Harry proposes to Ginny on her Graduation day. They don’t end up getting married until September of the next year, because they defeat Voldemort together. Their first child, James Harold Potter, was born the following year. Two years after that, Lily and Sirius, twins, were born. Two years after that, Remus was born and another year later, Molly was born. Currently, James is in Seventh, Lily and Sirius are in Fifth, Remus is in third and Molly is Second.

Is the last sentence a race or something?

(the following Sporkage does not belong to me, but to ugly_kitties )
The man named Severus stepped out of the fireplace into a small building, the 7-11 on 18th street, New York, followed by the man called Albus.

Obviously this person's never been to the city—there are NO 7-11'S in New York! D:< I take personal offense. Besides, I can't imagine why two grown wizards would be meeting in a public Muggle chain store. That... doesn't exist.

“Come on, old man,” snapped Severus Snape, “I don’t have all night!”

Funny, I always thought Snape was a polite man to Dumbledore (short of, well, the end of HPB, of course). Wait, no, this is his doppelganger, the failed experiment with deformed DNA. Sorry about the mixup.

“My apologies, Severus,” replied Albus Dumbledore, in a calm, even voice. “I understand your urgency – had I been able to find my son again, I, too, would be in a hurry.”

At Dumbledore’s words, Snape regretted what he had said. Dumbledore’s son, Albus Dumbledore Jr., was the one who had lost his life while sucking on a lemon drop, and Snape knew how much he missed him. “Do not apologize, Albus,” Snape said, looking at the man with sorrow-filled eyes, “it is I who should be apologizing – that was very rude of me.”

Albus Dumbledore—Jr. Ha. Ahahahaha. No. D:> That is the stupidest, most random... let me just stop there. And Snape does not do "sorrow-filled eyes."

“It is a thing of the past! Now – Severus, I never imagined to find the boy in America, of all places! How did you know to come here?” asked Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling with joy for his friend.

No comment. Speaks for itself.

Both men quickly left the 7-11, and were walking down the sidewalk again, before Snape answered. “It was the amulet. Do you recall it pulsing? Well,” Snape continued at Dumbledore's nod, “it was giving me the information it knows. For example: due to our prior knowledge, you and I know that the boy will be 17 in one week, but that was out only information. I now know that he looks remarkably like James (that would be Lily’s doing) yet he has his mother’s eyes. I also know that his name is Harry, and he lives with his aunt, uncle, and cousin in a small townhouse, here in New York. In fact – his house should be… right… about… here!” Snape exclaimed – stopping in front of a house with a small front yard, one black BMW, and no lights on – it was #4 Pivet Drive.

*splutter* Because suddenly Wisteria Walk in Surrey managed to somehow plant itself in Chelsea, right? Wait, no, sorry. It's #4 Pivet Drive, a big suburban house in the middle of Manhattan. Right, right, sorry.

(...)

“Harry, you must see where this is going…” Snape said, staring intently into Harry’s fierce, green eyes. “Harry, your real name is Harry Snape – you are my son. I have been looking for either you or your mother for the past 16 years, ever since James Potter decided to risk his life to save yours. Your mother had given me one last piece of information before she had left, to America, it would seem. She had told me that, if she was unable to see me again beforehand, the amulet would pulse once more, on the night marking the week before your 17th birthday – and I would know how to find you. The only downside that has come from this, aside from you not knowing that I even existed, is the fact that Voldemort isn’t in fact dead, because you are still alive…” Snape trailed off again, suddenly unsure what to say.

Harry was struck dumb… everything Snape said was… surreal. He had a father… a living father… a father who cared so much for him, that he had spent 16 years looking for him…everything that Harry had been told seemed to make sense… suddenly something clicked.

“You mean… if you’re my… father… I can stay with you? I can leave the Dursley’s?” Harry asked, daring to do what he had learned to avoid… hope.

Snape’s face broke into a smile again. “Harry, even if I wasn’t your father, I would never let you go back there again.”

Those words settled it for Harry. Every word Snape had said was true – he was his father. It was Harry’s turn to smile, as he jumped forward to give a hug to Snape.
*
(sporkage by

adorolasfresas )

 

The first few weeks were pretty uneventful for the school and Hermione. Her and Draco weren't exactly friends now, but they are getting better at getting along. Sometimes they talked in a civil manner, but other times she still spat rude remarks at each other. Draco seemed to be getting more attracted to Hermione, but didn't show it. Hermione also thought about him and how much better he acts towards her this year.


Wtf!?!? What happened to staying in one tense?


Draco wore a black suit with a gold-ish white tie. He had something simple to wear unlike the girls. Blaise did too. He wore a black suit with a white dress shirt with a black tie. They both spiked their hair with gel. Hermione walked to their room to see if they were ready.

“Are you two ready yet?” she asked with Ginny at her side.

“Yeah.” they said in unison and opened the door. Their jaws dropped to the floor.

“Are you coming?” asked Ginny, trying to get their detention.

I can't even take that last sentence seriously.

He would never forgive himself and would probably do suicide the second he found out he lost her, but for now, he will have to keep a close eye on her.

Do suicide? Like it's a drug?

I’m not going to hold on to the past no matter what happens, even though I was raped, possessed, and nearly died a couple times.” she finished proudly. Draco was taken aback at how she just named everything that happened to her like they were nothing, especially being raped and almost dying. He showed this particular emotion on his face knowingly.


I don't even have anything to say about this one.

“Good,” she paused for a yawn, “I’m tired so I’m going to go to sleep, g’night.” she said and laid her head down on his chest.

“Good night.” he said and lied himself down and closed his eyes.


Okay. First of all, she laid her head down on his chest, and THEN he lied himself down.
Secondly, he lied himself down? I can't think of anything to say about this either. This fanfic is leaving me speechless.
*
“You’re the best man!” Blaise ejaculated.

“What?” Draco asked nonchalantly.
I hear you, Draco.
*
(

charliecarter )

“The baby David” she lunched again “pull over I….” she gasped “I think im going into labor” she gasped again this time clutching her stomach.
Okay.
1) That was one sentence, no commas, no apostrophes,. GRAMMAR, PEOPLE!!
2) She lunched? I know she was eating for two, but if she's about to have a baby, maybe she should cut down on the snacks.
3) Is 'labor' the American spelling?
For you see, they were no ordinary eyes………. THEY WERE PURPLE.
Good Lord!! *falls off chair in shock*
Long black, straight, hair down to her knee, 5ft, about 105lbs, heart shaped face, with a short centered nose, with ears to match. Tight black leather shirt, with no sleeves, that fit well around her top, lose baggy slacks, black, with a purple, spiked, belt, all easy to move in and efficiently good looking. High heel boots that went halfway up to her knees, with her pants tucked into them. Long, purple, half inch nails with, on the left hand middle finger, a purple shaped diamond ring on it with silver swirly crests upon the sides. But what were most interesting were her eyes. They were purple with just a tint of silver.
Can you say 'Matrix ripoff crossed with teenage Goth sensation'? Thought so!

Best line so far:
He, Malfoy, stud up.
.. do I want to know?
*
“10 points from Gryffindor from fainting from a fart,” declared Snape. “You Gryffindors are weaklings, passing out from a fart. Now we have to send Longbottom to the nurse.” Snape then remove his hand from his nose. “Some-” BUKK. Snape passed out.

“Talking about wealkings, huh Snape? Now looks who passed out from a fart,” said Ron. “20 points from Slytherin for Snape being a girly ass girl fainting in class.”

“Ron, only teachers could take points away not students,” said Hermione.

“See what your fart got us into!” said Lavender.
*
"Class, today you will be paired up with a partner to make a antihistamines potion. For all the students who don't know," said Mr.Snape looking at Harry and Ron. "Antihistamines potion is a potion that makes a person forget everything for a while and do wild things that later on don’t remember."

Mr. Snape, huh?
*
Draco was handing out his hand to help her up but Hermioen stooded up by herself.
*
"Oh my god you didn't kiss me!YOU TRIED TO KILL ME YOU STUPID BITCH!" shouted Draco."If you come anywhere near me you evil bitch I will call the CBTA to come and get you."

"Professor he called me a bitch," whined the girl."And what the hell is CBTA?"

"CBTA is Crazy bitch take away. It's where they take crazy bitches to. CRAZY BITCHES LIKE YOU!" shouted Draco.

*passes out*

 

And the best part? I'm only on the second page, so I got quite a ways to go. I'll probably do another post (or few)

I think this community just made my life. I am constantly laughing. I might have to make a post myself, but I'm not sure if I'm creative enough for the commenting.




 

 

Comments

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

I... just... I mean... there are no words. There just are. no. words.

Is this for real? Did people actually write this stuff? I can't even... *shaking head, laughing*

I think my favorite was you pointing out how he 'lied himself down' after she laid her head down on his chest. Uh-huh. Yep. That's some good writing. Hilarious.

Thanks for the laugh. I'm terrified that this stuff is out there. Heee.

[katiesangels.livejournal.com]

What a community! Whenever I need to have a laugh now, I'll wander over there for sure. Really, it's just too much fun. I wonder what some people were thinking when they come up with such ridiculous stuff. Or maybe I don't really want to know what they've been smoking while writing. Lol. Checking out the typos tag now.

[ladysophiekitty.livejournal.com]

I remember once I read something along the lines of "Hermione was nine months pregnant with nine months left to go."

Poor girl. And who does she think she is? Dana Scully?

It is good for the laughs. I've been constantly laughing since finding my way over there.

[katiesangels.livejournal.com]

Wow, that must have been some baby. But math seems to be a big problem anyway, especially in the regions up to ten.

I'll go there again tomorrow. It's so much fun. :D