Bones: A Mother's Guilt (1/1)
Sep. 7th, 2008 05:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladysophiekittyAlso posted on fanfiction.net/~ladysophiekitty
Title: A Mother’s Guilt (1/1)
Pairing: None
Rating: T
Word Count:
Summary: A mother’s response to the events in PitH
Spoilers: Pain in the Heart along with other season 3 spoilers
The sound of the kettle whistling brought me out of my thoughts. I found more and more lately I seemed to space out for long periods of time. One could blame my old age, but truth was I had always been a thinker. I just didn't space out as often before, because there was always something to do, someone to take care of. First it had been the children, and then my husband as he grew older and needed more help. But with my husband gone and the children all grown and gone, for the first time I was truly alone. Sure the children visited a lot, often with their own children, but mostly my days at home were spent alone.
The kettle continued to whistle, growing more and more impatient with each passing moment. "Coming!" I cried out. That was another thing: I tended to talk out loud more, as if to make sure I didn't forget how to speak. I was just about to pour myself a cup of hot water when the phone rang. I hoped it was my third eldest, Becca. I loved hearing her talk about my newest grandchild, a beautiful girl of four months named Madeleine.
"Hello?" I said once I picked up the phone.
"Mrs. Addy?" an unfamiliar voice said.
"Yes?" I said cautiously, hoping it wasn't a telemarketer. I always felt bad for saying no them. Back when he was alive, my husband would constantly get irritated at me for it. "Just hang up the phone on them!" he'd say. But I never wanted to. I read somewhere that telemarketers have the lowest confidence rate because of the constant rejection, and I didn't want to be the cause of them committing suicide or some horrid thing like that. There was enough unpleasantness in the world already, and I really didn't need to contribute to it.
"Um, this is Jack Hodgins." suddenly, the voice did sound familiar, and I grumbled at myself for not recognizing it. But then, it had been a while since I'd heard his voice, and it did sound a little funny.
"Oh Jack, dear! Would you mind holding on a second? I was just about to make myself a cup of tea." When he responded saying that was fine, I opened up a new box of earl grey tea, added a spoonful of sugar and some milk, and then let it sit for a while.
When I picked up the phone again, I could hear a female's voice in the background. That must be the infamous Angela Montenegro that Zack had talked about, the artist that Jack was engaged to.
“You don’t have to do this, ” she said.
“Yes, I do. Besides, it’s best if she hears from me instead of a stranger.”
I realized why he sounded weird: he was, or had recently been, crying. I knew Jack enough to know that it must be something serious. I could feel all the blood drain from my face, and I collapsed on the nearest chair.
“Is everything alright? Zack isn’t hurt, is he?”
“Did Zack tell you about a recurring case this year at all?” I tried to wrack my brain for the details. Zack usually called once a week to talk, but lately his calls had been getting less and less frequent, and when they did come he always sounded distracted. He hadn’t come this year for his annual Christmas visit, either. Still, he never failed to say something positive about Jack or Dr. Brennan.
“Yes, he did mention something once or twice. Was it Gorgazon? He was a cannibalistic serial killer.” I recalled with a slight shudder. I was supportive of my son’s career and interests, but that didn’t mean I was particularly fond of all the gory details. Or any, rather.
“Close, but it’s Gormogon.”
“Don’t get off track about conspiracies and such. She doesn’t need to hear all that.” I could hear Angela hiss in the background. Angela also sounded like she had been crying recently.
“Right. Anyway, to make a long story short, Gormogon always has to have an apprentice. A few days ago there was an incident in the lab…an explosion.”
Oh god. Please don’t let it be what I think it is. I already lost my husband. Was I about to lose my youngest son as well?
Correctly guessing my silence for fear, Jack went on. “He’s fine, Mrs. Addy. Well, that’s not completely true, but he’s alive. His hands got badly burned though. And there’s something else…he’s Gormogon’s apprentice.” He said the last words in a rush, as if saying them faster would make them less true.
At those words, my heart was filled with a mixture of feelings: relief at him being alive, horror at my relief, anger at myself for not being there, anger at Zack, anger at Jack for telling me and for everyone else for making him be the one to tell me, and most of all, thoughts of what I had done wrong as a mother. Would it have been different if I had raised him better?
“Don’t blame yourself, Mrs. Addy. You were a wonderful mother, and Zack adored you. There was nothing you could have done.”
“Where is he?” I asked in a hoarse whisper. Please don’t let him be in jail. I couldn’t stand the thought of my little boy being in jail.
“He’s at a mental hospital.” At those words, the ache in my heart loosened just a little bit. While not much better, at least it wasn’t jail.
“He didn’t…eat anyone, did he?” I could hardly get the words out of my mouth, and I wanted to hang up before he could reply, but I managed to stay on the line. As much as I didn’t want to know, it was almost worse to not know.
“No.”
“But he killed?”
I could feel his hesitation even at long-distance, so I knew the answer before the “yes” ever came. The little bit of ache that had left came back with full vengeance, even worse than before.
“Thank you for telling me. I appreciate it. It can’t be easy for you.” I managed to choke out. I didn’t want to, as the phrase goes, “shoot the messenger”, and it was better that I heard from someone I knew rather than a complete stranger. I knew how much Jack cared about Zack.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Addy. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” We both hung up, and clutching the phone tightly in my hand, I burst into tears. I slid out of the chair that confined me and on to the floor, my body shaking with uncontrollable sobs that made it hard for me to breathe.
I could feel a flood of memories come upon me. The first time I held him, his wide, innocent, brown eyes staring up at me. His eagerness to learn, and how quickly he did. It was hard to think of a time where he wasn’t reading or looking through a microscope or something like that.
Sometimes his brightness intimidated the other kids, though. They picked on him a lot, and many-a—time had he come running through the front door with tears running down his face. I’d give him a huge hug and a kiss on his cheek, quoting a line from one of my favorite picture books, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as your living, my baby you’ll be.” I’d give him a snack to eat and his brothers and sisters would include him in whatever they were doing, and before long he’d be laughing and smiling again, forgetting whatever mean thing kids had said to him. That was one reason he loved working at the Jeffersonian so much: he was accepted there. Whenever he called me, he always had some sort of positive story about his fellow colleagues, particularly Jack and Dr. Brennan.
Every night before he fell asleep, before he got too old, I’d tuck him into bed and we’d sing together:
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy,
When skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take
My sunshine away.
My sunshine really had been taken away, and I don’t think he knew how much I loved him.
I slowly got up, and, wiping my tears and leaving the forgotten cup of now cold tea on the counter, walked to my room to pack my bags. I would take the next flight to Washington, D.C.
When I had gotten pregnant with Zack, it was like me signing a vow that no matter what happens I would always be on his side, and I would be, too. We’d solve this together, just like always.
A/N- hoped you enjoyed! Pain in the Heart was one of my least favorite episodes in the whole series, but I got this idea this morning, and I just had to write it. We know from Man in the Fallout Shelter that Zack had a family besides the squints, and they would obviously be affected by the news as well. I’m sorry for any inaccuracies of facts, and I hope you enjoyed! Please tell me what you think.
Title: A Mother’s Guilt (1/1)
Pairing: None
Rating: T
Word Count:
Summary: A mother’s response to the events in PitH
Spoilers: Pain in the Heart along with other season 3 spoilers
The sound of the kettle whistling brought me out of my thoughts. I found more and more lately I seemed to space out for long periods of time. One could blame my old age, but truth was I had always been a thinker. I just didn't space out as often before, because there was always something to do, someone to take care of. First it had been the children, and then my husband as he grew older and needed more help. But with my husband gone and the children all grown and gone, for the first time I was truly alone. Sure the children visited a lot, often with their own children, but mostly my days at home were spent alone.
The kettle continued to whistle, growing more and more impatient with each passing moment. "Coming!" I cried out. That was another thing: I tended to talk out loud more, as if to make sure I didn't forget how to speak. I was just about to pour myself a cup of hot water when the phone rang. I hoped it was my third eldest, Becca. I loved hearing her talk about my newest grandchild, a beautiful girl of four months named Madeleine.
"Hello?" I said once I picked up the phone.
"Mrs. Addy?" an unfamiliar voice said.
"Yes?" I said cautiously, hoping it wasn't a telemarketer. I always felt bad for saying no them. Back when he was alive, my husband would constantly get irritated at me for it. "Just hang up the phone on them!" he'd say. But I never wanted to. I read somewhere that telemarketers have the lowest confidence rate because of the constant rejection, and I didn't want to be the cause of them committing suicide or some horrid thing like that. There was enough unpleasantness in the world already, and I really didn't need to contribute to it.
"Um, this is Jack Hodgins." suddenly, the voice did sound familiar, and I grumbled at myself for not recognizing it. But then, it had been a while since I'd heard his voice, and it did sound a little funny.
"Oh Jack, dear! Would you mind holding on a second? I was just about to make myself a cup of tea." When he responded saying that was fine, I opened up a new box of earl grey tea, added a spoonful of sugar and some milk, and then let it sit for a while.
When I picked up the phone again, I could hear a female's voice in the background. That must be the infamous Angela Montenegro that Zack had talked about, the artist that Jack was engaged to.
“You don’t have to do this, ” she said.
“Yes, I do. Besides, it’s best if she hears from me instead of a stranger.”
I realized why he sounded weird: he was, or had recently been, crying. I knew Jack enough to know that it must be something serious. I could feel all the blood drain from my face, and I collapsed on the nearest chair.
“Is everything alright? Zack isn’t hurt, is he?”
“Did Zack tell you about a recurring case this year at all?” I tried to wrack my brain for the details. Zack usually called once a week to talk, but lately his calls had been getting less and less frequent, and when they did come he always sounded distracted. He hadn’t come this year for his annual Christmas visit, either. Still, he never failed to say something positive about Jack or Dr. Brennan.
“Yes, he did mention something once or twice. Was it Gorgazon? He was a cannibalistic serial killer.” I recalled with a slight shudder. I was supportive of my son’s career and interests, but that didn’t mean I was particularly fond of all the gory details. Or any, rather.
“Close, but it’s Gormogon.”
“Don’t get off track about conspiracies and such. She doesn’t need to hear all that.” I could hear Angela hiss in the background. Angela also sounded like she had been crying recently.
“Right. Anyway, to make a long story short, Gormogon always has to have an apprentice. A few days ago there was an incident in the lab…an explosion.”
Oh god. Please don’t let it be what I think it is. I already lost my husband. Was I about to lose my youngest son as well?
Correctly guessing my silence for fear, Jack went on. “He’s fine, Mrs. Addy. Well, that’s not completely true, but he’s alive. His hands got badly burned though. And there’s something else…he’s Gormogon’s apprentice.” He said the last words in a rush, as if saying them faster would make them less true.
At those words, my heart was filled with a mixture of feelings: relief at him being alive, horror at my relief, anger at myself for not being there, anger at Zack, anger at Jack for telling me and for everyone else for making him be the one to tell me, and most of all, thoughts of what I had done wrong as a mother. Would it have been different if I had raised him better?
“Don’t blame yourself, Mrs. Addy. You were a wonderful mother, and Zack adored you. There was nothing you could have done.”
“Where is he?” I asked in a hoarse whisper. Please don’t let him be in jail. I couldn’t stand the thought of my little boy being in jail.
“He’s at a mental hospital.” At those words, the ache in my heart loosened just a little bit. While not much better, at least it wasn’t jail.
“He didn’t…eat anyone, did he?” I could hardly get the words out of my mouth, and I wanted to hang up before he could reply, but I managed to stay on the line. As much as I didn’t want to know, it was almost worse to not know.
“No.”
“But he killed?”
I could feel his hesitation even at long-distance, so I knew the answer before the “yes” ever came. The little bit of ache that had left came back with full vengeance, even worse than before.
“Thank you for telling me. I appreciate it. It can’t be easy for you.” I managed to choke out. I didn’t want to, as the phrase goes, “shoot the messenger”, and it was better that I heard from someone I knew rather than a complete stranger. I knew how much Jack cared about Zack.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Addy. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” We both hung up, and clutching the phone tightly in my hand, I burst into tears. I slid out of the chair that confined me and on to the floor, my body shaking with uncontrollable sobs that made it hard for me to breathe.
I could feel a flood of memories come upon me. The first time I held him, his wide, innocent, brown eyes staring up at me. His eagerness to learn, and how quickly he did. It was hard to think of a time where he wasn’t reading or looking through a microscope or something like that.
Sometimes his brightness intimidated the other kids, though. They picked on him a lot, and many-a—time had he come running through the front door with tears running down his face. I’d give him a huge hug and a kiss on his cheek, quoting a line from one of my favorite picture books, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as your living, my baby you’ll be.” I’d give him a snack to eat and his brothers and sisters would include him in whatever they were doing, and before long he’d be laughing and smiling again, forgetting whatever mean thing kids had said to him. That was one reason he loved working at the Jeffersonian so much: he was accepted there. Whenever he called me, he always had some sort of positive story about his fellow colleagues, particularly Jack and Dr. Brennan.
Every night before he fell asleep, before he got too old, I’d tuck him into bed and we’d sing together:
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy,
When skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take
My sunshine away.
My sunshine really had been taken away, and I don’t think he knew how much I loved him.
I slowly got up, and, wiping my tears and leaving the forgotten cup of now cold tea on the counter, walked to my room to pack my bags. I would take the next flight to Washington, D.C.
When I had gotten pregnant with Zack, it was like me signing a vow that no matter what happens I would always be on his side, and I would be, too. We’d solve this together, just like always.
A/N- hoped you enjoyed! Pain in the Heart was one of my least favorite episodes in the whole series, but I got this idea this morning, and I just had to write it. We know from Man in the Fallout Shelter that Zack had a family besides the squints, and they would obviously be affected by the news as well. I’m sorry for any inaccuracies of facts, and I hope you enjoyed! Please tell me what you think.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-09-08 12:48 am (UTC)I actually quite liked it. It's interesting to see the episode (which I really didn't like either) from the perspective of a character that is definitely in the periphery. I always enjoy when people take a canon character that no one really knows much about and gives them personality.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-08 02:18 am (UTC)I liked the touches about what she and Zack used to do when he was a kid and the special bond they had. I would love for the show to being in some of Zack's family while he's in the looney bin. It would be ironic that he'd get more character development as a guest star and no longer a regular.
Thanks for the different read! :D
no subject
Date: 2008-09-08 09:09 am (UTC)